This year’s word is supposed to be intentional.
done on purpose; deliberate.
Today I started pondering why?
I think it is because I have been operating on Auto-Pilot since Birmingham. Seriously.
As I do a little more work on myself, I realize that my 30s did a number on me. I really believe I was traumatized from losing the job. It felt like the ultimate in failure. Through no fault of my own, I found myself scratching and clawing to pull myself out of that dark hole I found myself in for 9 months. And then the downward spiral with my marriage, moving home to live with my parents…
It was all too much. I was so lost. So sad. I just kept going. Because that is what I do. I endure, I press forward, and I reinvent.
Here we are, 9 years later, and I think my muscles are trying to unwind from all of the tension from having to hold myself together. I had to push to get my life back on track.
Now, when anyone threatens to take that control away from me, I feel angry. Really, really angry.
I realize that now.
Auto-pilot is my coping mechanism. I think my subconscious is afraid to pull back the curtain and feel again.
It feels too dangerous.
I haven’t formed any meaningful relationships in years. I haven’t really tried anything new. I take that back, I do… but they are always far enough away to keep it safe.
While deep-diving into my soul, I’m learned there is a big hole left there, a hole where things that were so important, so valuable, were ripped away.
I covered the hole with a blanket, warm & safe. I started to fill the hole in and as I realized I would have to feel again, I stopped and just covered it up. I ran on auto-pilot.
I don’t want to do that anymore.
2020 is intentional.
What do I hope to gain from all of this intentionality? Deeper relationships, new experiences, and peace. Above all – Peace.