I was just lounging on my couch listening to this song and looking at some old pictures. I thought I would post the song above, and maybe you could hit play and listen. It’s incredibly relaxing, slightly haunting, and wistful.
I got to thinking about how good it feels to be at a certain point in my life. More often than not, I am satisfied. That was not so even just ten years ago. Sure, my life was good, and I was having probably the time of my life, but satisfaction and contentment was something I was striving for. Fun versus contentment is a completely different level to achieve.
For some reason, the two officers that died a few weeks ago crossed my mind. I had met and chatted with one of them. He was hired not too long before I was and went through new employment training with me. Cute is an understatement, Officer Smarr was that stereotypical good looking guy who you could tell just oozed with personality. Granted, I am almost 20 years older than Nick, and technically old enough to be his mom, I knew that he was probably a favorite among the girls. The young man had survived Afghanistan only to come home, to serve his community and get fatally shot by some thug. I say thug, because the guy was a self-proclaimed thug. Senseless shooting. It did not have to end that way. This kid was bright and he had his whole life ahead of him.
Then here I sit – safely in my home. Not just any home, a freaking cabin in the middle of a timber farm over looking a serene lake. My wants are few and yet I have achieved almost every goal I ever set out to tackle. It’s not bragging my friends.. these are my blessings. And yet… why me? Why do I get 20 extra years? What makes me so damned special?
The reason I pose this question is to look at it like this – Am I living a life worth living? Am I wasting it away or am I making a difference? That kid, Nick – I assure you, he made a difference every day on our streets. What about me? I never had kids, so I am not going to leave a biological legacy.
It hit me – I have got to remember to live in the present moment and to move forward in life with joyous gratitude.
It’s that simple.
Sure, we all know this. But do we practice it? And let’s be honest with ourselves, we need a reminder from time to time.
This year was supposed to be a joyous one. I want to say that it is, but like all years, I’m so deep in the thick of the every day minutia, that I sometimes forget to just…. BREATHE.
So tonight, I did that. I had the cabin to myself. I’m sitting here with the lights turned down, relaxing music by Lisa Gerrard in the background, burning a little Nag Champa, and trying to refocus.
I got a little sad thinking how quickly my status as fiance is going. Lord knows, I can’t wait to become Mrs. Kirksey, but there is something fun about the anticipation and in between time. A chapter of my life is closing, and I know in my heart my “happily ever after” guy is here. However, I have been completely overwhelmed with trying to get this wedding & reception just right and not actually enjoying the process. Not to mention, trying to plan the perfect Honeymoon to Paris. Luckily, my friend opened a travel agency and was able to take all of our random requests and create the perfect itinerary. I think she may have just saved me from myself!
(PS – Check out her website: EurTravels)
I guess what I am trying to say is: I need to pause. Re-examine. Breathe.
This week I will reincorporate meditation; at the very least – pauses. I will feel the gratitude. I will pause in the present. And I will live a life worth living.
Are you living a life worth living?